posted by Mary Lello, Thursday, January 29, 2009, 9:54 PM
Every one is telling me how strong I am. I'm not so strong. If anything I feel like I"m having more melt downs then normal lately. Not the tearful kind - though those do happen too - but more of the rageful kind where I have to go throw something and want to scream and yell kind. This morning I went down cellar and threw laundry. You know that feeling where you just can't contain the anger and you need to really smash something? You throw that something as hard as you can and it .... floats ... at least if that something thrown is laundry. Such a let down! But it still worked. It allowed me to release a bit of frustration at all this. To release the feeling that all I DO is take care of others - be it at work or at home.
And it's not that I need to be taken care of. O.K., maybe I do but so many people are offering this and I just don't know what it is that I even need right now! I just know that I can't always be the one to "buck up", to not show how exhausted I feel too, to keep it all together so that no one else around me will fall apart.
Funny thing about caring for your loved one. You don't ever get a day off. I've lost all that independence and spontaneity that I use to take for granted. And because I am married to a man who always understood how much freedom I need he always allowed me to go and do whatever it was that I needed or wanted to do with or without him. And because I married my best friend often times those things I wanted to do were WITH him. But not always, and the best part is this was o.k too.
But Jim and I don't have this kind of freedom now. Jim was told today by PT Betsy that he can NOT just get up and walk to the next room, he HAS to call and ask for help because if he falls and hits his head right now it could be fatal. FATAL!!! So as I moan and groan about the loss of freedom my man - who was a competitive cyclist, who traveled the world to remote and wonderful places, who was so strong and independent - needs to call for help in order to walk from one room to the next. Not an easy thing to ask of this man - but he'll do it.
And although I might not be feeling so strong I think Jim is the strongest person I know right now. As tired and sick as he feels at times he can still laugh at himself, he can talk about being "mindful" and he can still look me right in the eye and ask "how are YOU doing?" and he wants an honest answer from me.
Tomorrow we head to Lexington to see the naturopath. We're both pretty excited about this as this feels like it couples with all the great work Jerry Sanders is doing. As Jerry said, the western medicine is addressing the tumor and the cancer but we can't lose touch with how we all can heal Jim . How we, as his loving community, can address the "health" of Jim's body and brain. We can nourish him with love and focus on all that is healthy in Jim while the western world focuses on all that is not. And the naturopath may add supplements and diet to starve cancer cells. We are coming at this from many different directions. And it feels right to both of us.
We have a great group of folks traveling with us too. Todd Valentine, once again, is our driver. Our good friend, Leanne Bard, is joining us as she has a real interest in understanding diet and supplements. Leo Shapiro is joining us in Georgetown as well as meeting up with Bob Morrison once in Lexington - both from Jim's sangha connection in Boston. In addition, and I know this means the world to Jim, we will meet up with Llama Palmo in Arlington after the doctors appointment.
And from this group of people Jim will gather strength. And this will help me to feel better too.
This weekend I am going to go outside and play with my friend and adventurous gal-pal MaryMargaret - who means the world to me, who has helped me weather this storm in more ways then I can count, who listens when I'm feeling so very weak and can't find anything better to smash then a pair of dirty wool socks and who will insist that we get out and run or ski. Because she also knows this is where I draw my strength from. This is where I can find a good breath and find my strength again.
I too am an endurance athlete and I will buck-up and ride this damn storm with Jim into the sunset ....
- ... but may it be many more then any predictions we've been given!
Hi Ho Silver, AWAY!!!