Day's End

posted by Mary Lello, Tuesday, January 6, 2009, 7:52 PM

I wish that I could say today was a really good day, but it doesn't feel like that. Jim was really unsteady on his feet all day. He didn't sleep well last night so we are contributing his loss of coordination to being over-tired today. He was shaky too, and tonight at dinner he felt really cold.

I worry that I missed the signs of a brain tumor for so many months. Like I told the surgeon "who see's these symptoms and thinks "BRAIN TUMOR" except YOU?!" But now I'm a bit hypervigilant I think; waking to check on him in the middle of the night if his movement is less then normal, watching his ability to connect the dots during the day ... or not. And today was just not a great day. I notice it has a huge effect on me emotionally too. But then, I am over-tired also.

My collegue, friend, counselor, Kristine asked me today at the office if I have time for tears during my day. I had to stop and think. At the hospital it felt like it was all I had, all the time, the expression of tears regardless of the time. My days now? No, I do not have time for tears. How does one make time for this? I do not freely express them now either. My old stoic self. I feel them all the time, just under the surface, my eyes ache and I notice new lines in my face that are not smile lines any longer. Wow, and it's only been a week.

It's OK. No one person ever has all good days. It's OK that JIm had a bad day today. It scares the shit out of me with thoughts of slipping backward but that's so unfair to Jim. I need to learn to allow him some slack!

We meet with the oncology folks tomorrow and get the lab results. I know this is also on Jim's mind and he is very anxious about it. I will post what I know for all of you as soon as I can.

We do feel your love, from every single one of you.

Tonight I just need to absorb this, gratefully ... always

Mary