Monday, January 12, 2009

Face your fears

posted by Mary Lello, Monday, January 12, 2009, 8:03 PM

We went and got Jim's staples out today. The wound has healed up fantastically and the staples were snipped out with no problem. A little creepy maybe but he said it didn't hurt ... much. We had hoped to see Dr. Wilson, the surgeon who removed the tumor, but that didn't happen today. There is a follow up visit scheduled for the first week in Feb. with him though.

Jim is struggling with fear and anxiety right now. It's hard for me to remain patient sometimes as I just want him to feel the fear but move on. And he just can't. Stacie thinks it may be the brain stem tumor, and I think she may be right. This is the anxiety, fear and 'spinning' that Jim has exhibited for the last 3-4 months - which would be about right for this tumor to have started growing and become a mass on the brain stem. As Jerry Sanders has pointed out, the brain stem is the primal brain - our fight or flight basics of our brain - and Jim's basic survival instincts are being compromised by this tumor that still sits there. Thus it may be very difficult for him to just move beyond his fears and the anxiety it creates is real and horrible to have to witness at times.

Or this is one theory anyway. One that makes a lot of sense to me since I have witnessed my man go from someone who could honestly 'let go' of something and move on easier and faster then most anyone I know to this man who is just spinning in a certain feeling or within a fear. It frustrates the hell out of me but in many ways it is getting me even more ready for the next step - radiation and chemo so we can get this thing reduced and then see if we can't get Jim back!

Granted there is a lot to be fearful of right now. But as I have expressed in other writings, those fears can be spoken about and acknowledged but they do us no good to just sit in and steep in them. This is the time when we must buck-up and get really positive and bring all that love and good juju stuff in from all of you and the universe in general. So I freak out a little when I see Jim getting so negative and fearful and just staying there for days.

But again, this all may change and soon once the conventional treatments begin and this other tumor gets reduced ..... and blasted to smitherenes (sp?)!!

This is one of my many prayers and wishes in this whole thing.

The sock monkey hats are good therapy. I might need to wear mine to bed tonight.


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