Oh this new love is so interesting to me. After being with Jim for so long it can feel crazy to be starting this ride anew. But it's exciting and I'm realizing that I have a chance at a clean slate here; I am witnessing old patterns in myself and realize that I have the chance to change some of them.
Jim and I were best friends, we had a great relationship and a love that many only hope for. But we weren't perfect; we had our struggles and our little itchy things that got under the skin and irritated each other. Of course, any relationship is going to have this but I have begun to notice how some of these itchy things of mine might not have had anything to do with Jim.
Oh, how I want to apologize to Jim for these kinds of things; my stupid behaviors that created unloving moments. But Jim and I always believed that these bodies house our soul and in this imperfect world, as imperfect beings, our spirit is here to evolve; to learn and to grow spiritually.
So, here I am in this new relationship and I have caught myself on a couple occasions wanting to blame this man for some things ... but I don't go there. I do not want to repeat this old pattern. I want to allow the next wave to come in and wipe this etching from my shoreline. To clean the slate and start afresh and not continue into this old 'needing to blame someone' pattern.
I like to think that Jim has already forgiven me and is somewhere smiling at all this.
Loving you all back,
Thursday, January 5, 2012
December 28th and 29th was a Great White Shark attack this year. Didn't really feel these dates a year ago, but for some reason I got slammed on this anniversary this year. December 28, 2008 was when Jim was diagnosed with his brain tumor, a glioblastoma. Though we had been warned that it was probably grade three or four they wouldn't know for sure until after surgery and the lab could give us the results. Surgery was on December 29th. The results a grade four - the worst - came days later.
Odd how this grief-beast works. How I cruised through Christmas this year but got nailed on the 28th and 29th. But the beast has submerged again, silently sinking back down into the depths. January 3rd .... Jim's 61st birthday .... floated by with only a rememberance and a note to his sisters telling them I loved them.
I guess I'm finding a rhythm to this. I'm learning that the beast will only take me down for a short while now, not for days at a time, but for moments. And I am beginning to trust that I will recover and look perfectly normal again, though I may feel a bit shaky.
Some how the Gods have gifted me this year with a man who is not afraid of this beast and does not run from these attacks. Instead he offers me his strength to lean against and his broad shoulders to cry on. This truly is the greatest gift that anyone could give me in these moments.
"Some times in our lives,
we all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.
Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on ..... "
WIth grace and love we can all help each other to carry on.
Loving you all back,