Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Old Patterns

Oh this new love is so interesting to me.  After being with Jim for so long it can feel crazy to be starting this ride anew.  But it's exciting and I'm realizing that I have a chance at a clean slate here; I am witnessing old patterns in myself and realize that I have the chance to change some of them.

Jim and I were best friends, we had a great relationship and a love that many only hope for.  But we weren't perfect; we had our struggles and our little itchy things that got under the skin and irritated each other.  Of course, any relationship is going to have this but I have begun to notice how some of these itchy things of mine might not have had anything to do with Jim.

One night, months after Jim was gone, I was moving through the bathroom, in the dark, at a good clip.  The bathroom has two doors that are in line with each other so that going from my bedroom to the TV room is a straight shot through the bathroom.  So as I bee lined it in the dark to the TV room I walked smack into the upper linen cabinet door, eye first.  OW!  I grabbed my eye and stumbled backwards, landing on the edge of the tub.  Wow.  As I sat there cupping my eye my first thought was "who the hell left that cabinet door open?!" .... and then I got laughing to myself as I recognized an old pattern.  Only I lived here.  Only I would have left that damn door open to booby trap myself.  But in years past I'm pretty sure I would have blamed that act on Jim.  In fact, at that moment sitting on the side of the tub in pain I desperately wanted to blame someone!   And I had an "a-ha" moment.  I probably did this blame-thing more often then I ever care to remember.  What an ass.

Oh, how I want to apologize to Jim for these kinds of things; my stupid behaviors that created unloving moments.  But Jim and I always believed that these bodies house our soul and in this imperfect world, as imperfect beings, our spirit is here to evolve; to learn and to grow spiritually.

So, here I am in this new relationship and I have caught myself on a couple occasions wanting to blame this man for some things ... but I don't go there.  I do not want to repeat this old pattern.  I want to allow the next wave to come in and wipe this etching from my shoreline.  To clean the slate and start afresh and not continue into this old 'needing to blame someone' pattern.

I like to think that Jim has already forgiven me and is somewhere smiling at all this.

Loving you all back,

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Lean on Me

This grief is a bit like a Great White Shark in the way it hovers in the depths of the unknown, drifting quietly.  Then, like the great hunter that it is, it comes boiling to the surface with incredible speed and an intent to hit hard.  Lately I never see it coming until I'm nailed.

December 28th and 29th was a Great White Shark attack this year.  Didn't really feel these dates a year ago, but for some reason I got slammed on this anniversary this year.  December 28, 2008 was when Jim was diagnosed with his brain tumor, a glioblastoma.  Though we had been warned that it was probably grade three or four they wouldn't know for sure until after surgery and the lab could give us the results.  Surgery was on December 29th.  The results a grade four - the worst - came days later.

Odd how this grief-beast works.  How I cruised through Christmas this year but got nailed on the 28th and 29th.  But the beast has submerged again, silently sinking back down into the depths.  January 3rd .... Jim's 61st birthday .... floated by with only a rememberance and a note to his sisters telling them I loved them.

I guess I'm finding a rhythm to this.  I'm learning that the beast will only take me down for a short while now, not for days at a time, but for moments.  And I am beginning to trust that I will  recover and look perfectly normal again, though I may feel a bit shaky.

Some how the Gods have gifted me this year with a man who is not afraid of this beast and does not run from these attacks.  Instead he offers me his strength to lean against and his broad shoulders to cry on.   This truly is the greatest gift that anyone could give me in these moments.

"Some times in our lives,
we all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on ..... "

WIth grace and love we can all help each other to carry on.

Loving you all back,