Blackbirds

posted by Mary Lello, Thursday, May 13, 2010, 8:45 AM

Crows and Grackles are two black bird species who raid other birds nests and basically are the bully of the beaches. My Crows are harassed by the flock of Grackles who have taken up residency here in the hood. The Crows are pretty good at returning the insults though. Such drama going on all day long now as nests are being protected and the competition for food is escalated.

My emotions these last few days are similar to these dramatic, aggressive birds; I seem to swoop in and out of being OK, irritable, peaceful, and in deep grief. With two weeks already planned as vacation I'm grateful for this time away from the office to allow the black birds in my heart to flutter through as needed.

My niece Hanna said "I'm not going to ask you how you are anymore" .... a very wise thing to offer me. Instead she walks up, kisses me and says "I love you" thus not asking me to have to respond to the question everyone wants to know but that I just don't always know how to answer. I don't know how I am. I don't know how to navigate this new terrain. A widow at 53. Well, shit.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly ....

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see ...

Into the night of the dark black night."

Beatles

Yes, the nights are the worst.

And this is how I am; lonely beyond understanding even when surrounded by friends and family, feeling a sense of freedom again as my clipped wings heal and I realize there is no longer the 24/7 care required of me and just putting one foot in front of the other for right now.

Thank you all for the wonderful cards filled with loving words and your true hearts being sent, for the emails that are just as good (honest!) and for all that you offer me now. Thank you.

Still, loving you all back,

Mary