"Wasn't suppose to be Like This"

posted by Mary Lello, Wednesday, May 26, 2010, 8:45 AM

The following lyrics/song was written by my brother-in-law, David Mallett, and he sung it at Jim's small tribute. Even though it nearly ripped my heart out of my chest and all I could think was "WTF?" while he sang this I knew it was too perfect ... it indeed sums up much of my incredulous feelings around the loss of this life - mine with Jim as well as losing Jim. So, I must share it with all of you.

Like This

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You always were the answer to my every wish. Talkin’ ‘bout forever with your hand in mine. You and me together till the end of time. And leavin’ wasn’t even on the list. And it wasn’t supposed to be like this

We weren’t supposed to fall apart. I never even noticed when I broke your heart. Guess I must be crazy standing out here in the cold. But I can’t bear the thought of goin’ home and growin’ old Or livin’ one more day without your kiss. And it wasn’t supposed to be like this

I must be some kind of fool. This is all I know. Once you’ve come so far for love. Nowhere else to go

You weren’t supposed to see me cry. I didn’t come prepared for such a sad goodbye. I was thinking maybe we could start again

Now I know that that ain’t how the story ends. So I’ll just turn and go if you insist. But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. No leavin’ wasn’t even on the list. And it wasn’t supposed to be like this

David Mallett

I'm a bit nervous about Saturday, a big party and I'm attending it without my extroverted, party loving man by my side. First step into the solo world .... whirl. So, please, no asking how I'm doing, just come grab my hand and pull me onto the dance floor and together we will all celebrate the freedom that always was and is now Jim. We will celebrate this dance.

Loving you all back,

Mary

Hole in my World

posted by Mary Lello, Wednesday, May 19, 2010, 7:15 AM

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

My good friend, Nancy Moore, sent this to me the morning of our smaller gathering for Jim's tribute. I put this quote up by the beautiful urn another friend and potter, Marian Baker, had created for us. It continues to be the few words that nail all these emotions I feel directly. Although, I fall into the hole during the day a bit too.

I'm amazed, still, by Nance Trueworthy's ability to pull magic out of hats and whip this whole celebration on the 29th together in record time. I'm also delighted that she was able to secure Camp Ketcha as the place to gather .... this is where Jim and I had our wedding reception back in 1984 after my father, a minister, married us in a small ceremony in front of my parents house just down over the hill from Camp Ketcha. I will be bringing pictures of this reception for folks to look at. Some of you who will gather on the 29th were there for that celebration of our marriage. Full circle, I guess.

I want to open it up to all to bring your pictures of Jim if you have any. Donna made 3 poster boards of family pictures that I will bring along as well so if you would like to bring your pictures and your stories I open this up. Jim loved telling stories of some of the hilarious times he shared with certain people. He was always able to laugh at himself and find the humor in many situations. Jim was so wild, so crazy, so much fun. He would love for you to share any stories that you may have. We'll create time for this somehow.

You all will be able to help me walk around this hole in my world for one more day; to fill the darker edges of it with light, laughter, dancing and song and lift my heavy heart for a few short hours. I am very grateful for this and for the all these friendships created and held so dear by this incredible human being, Jim Daniels.

Loving you all back,

Mary

Blackbirds

posted by Mary Lello, Thursday, May 13, 2010, 8:45 AM

Crows and Grackles are two black bird species who raid other birds nests and basically are the bully of the beaches. My Crows are harassed by the flock of Grackles who have taken up residency here in the hood. The Crows are pretty good at returning the insults though. Such drama going on all day long now as nests are being protected and the competition for food is escalated.

My emotions these last few days are similar to these dramatic, aggressive birds; I seem to swoop in and out of being OK, irritable, peaceful, and in deep grief. With two weeks already planned as vacation I'm grateful for this time away from the office to allow the black birds in my heart to flutter through as needed.

My niece Hanna said "I'm not going to ask you how you are anymore" .... a very wise thing to offer me. Instead she walks up, kisses me and says "I love you" thus not asking me to have to respond to the question everyone wants to know but that I just don't always know how to answer. I don't know how I am. I don't know how to navigate this new terrain. A widow at 53. Well, shit.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly ....

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see ...

Into the night of the dark black night."

Beatles

Yes, the nights are the worst.

And this is how I am; lonely beyond understanding even when surrounded by friends and family, feeling a sense of freedom again as my clipped wings heal and I realize there is no longer the 24/7 care required of me and just putting one foot in front of the other for right now.

Thank you all for the wonderful cards filled with loving words and your true hearts being sent, for the emails that are just as good (honest!) and for all that you offer me now. Thank you.

Still, loving you all back,

Mary

Shared Words

posted by Mary Lello, Sunday, May 9, 2010, 4:30 PM

This came in the mail from our friend Joanie Dow. It's an Anne Lamott quote and I believe it's from her book Traveling Mercies.

I just have to share it. I so love Lamott's writings and this just hits too perfectly.

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you will never completely get over the loss of a beloved person. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather is cold - but you learn to dance with a limp"

Anne Lamott

This certainly is how I'm feeling now, broken beyond repair and still trying to grasp what my life is now. But to think that I may, some day, learn to dance again even with a limp is hopeful. And to also understand that, although time heals, there is indeed scar tissue and right now the gaping hole Jim has left in my life feels irreparable.

Thank you all for the emails, the food, the cards, the loving and kind words.

Love,

Mary

New Chapter

posted by Mary Lello, Friday, May 7, 2010, 10:30 AM

Jim died this morning, May 7th, at 3:30 a.m. He went in his sleep and we all feel it was very peaceful and pain free.

It's odd to sit in Hospice for 5 days, waiting, asking the doctors if they can tell how much longer, waiting some more, loving, caressing, whispering into his ear, knowing this is what we are all waiting for and yet .... when there is no longer a breath remaining in the lungs, no longer a beat to his heart it still came with a gasp from me and feeling of disbelief in some ways.

I guess we can never prepare for this moment, this loss.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling this gorgeous spring morning. Numb comes to mind. I think this next phase is going to hurt .... a whole lot ... as I pick up these pieces and begin to look at a whole new life, my life, without this gorgeous, wonderful, exciting, crazy man, Jim Daniels, with me.

A death in the family .... a death OF a family.

The immediate ceremony will be small with just "family". But then there will be a party, of course. A BIG party and Jim would want it to have music and dancing and laughing and telling stories of some crazyness that you and he may have done together. The details are not created yet, but we will keep you posted ... the drums will beat and you will know where and when. Perhaps by the end of this month or first of June.

Thank you all, for your prayers, your thoughts, your seeing rainbows and holding Jim at the end of it, for your love and your support over this last week as well as this long 15 month journey.

Loving you all back, deeply,

Mary

Moving on

posted by Mary Lello, Wednesday, May 5, 2010, 8:00 AM

It's amazing how slow the days feel in here, and yet how quickly things are progressing.

We are increasing Jim's medications to keep him comfortable and pain free. As these meds go up he will drift into sleep and from there be lifted, free, from this shell eventually.

We are all starting to pull in a little closer now. For today, depending on how Jim is, you may be allowed to come into the room and just sit within this space but he feels the energetic fields so intensely that it no longer seems right for so many to sit with him, at his side.

I know every single one of you understands if you are not allowed into the room now. But the courtyard is beautiful and I may come out and sit with you, and bask in your love for Jim.

Another wonderful thing to remember - hearing is the last thing to go. IF there is anything you would like to say to Jim write it down and I will read it to him for you. I have done this for a couple people already. He does hear it. I'm honored to pass your message on to him at this time.

Please know, there is no "should" in any of this. Ever.

With love,

Mary

PS - if you do wish to write something just know that hard copy would be best - not email as I have no copier here. And it will be wonderful for me to have these writings when Jim is gone as well. You can mail it to our house: 7 Pitt St., Falmouth, Me o4105 if this is easiest.

Dissolve into the heart of Buddha

posted by Mary Lello, Tuesday, May 4, 2010, 12:30 PM

This is what our friend and head of Jim's Buddhist group told me to whisper into Jim's ear "just dissolve into the heart of the Buddha". And I do whisper this. I love this.

We are now in more of a living wake. It wasn't planned, it has just unfolded this way. I've always said why do people gather and say how much they loved the person who died .... why don't we say it to the living? And for 15 months Jim has been able to hear and feel this from all who love him so deeply. This has been amazing. And now, in this room that has become a sanctuary, the love is just so strong here and people can sit and pour their love over him, while he still can hear it and sense it.

He will be at peace, very soon. I envision him trail running the mountain ridges and cycling up to the passes, soaring on the wind and laughing .... always laughing.

He has always been such an easy person to love as you all know. I've been incredibly gifted to bask in this for 31 years.

Oh God, how I will miss this man.

With love,

Mary