I'm going through wood faster then I thought might happen this winter. And all the snow storms are wreaking havoc on my weekly schedule. Folks just don't want to come out in the nasty weather to lie on a table and try to relax while they think about needing to drive home as the snow keeps falling. I work in a "mindful" business, so of course I encourage people to cancel if they aren't comfortable driving.
I'm not as comfortable driving in the bad weather lately myself.
When Jim was still with me we would see the snow storm as a good chance to go out and xc ski. I would worry that we couldn't make it up the steep hill that is the main road at the end of our driveway. But Jim didn't worry, we just had to try. When I was with Jim it felt safe and I knew we would be fine. It was a little adventure for us.
It amazes me how little things become so much bigger now without a partner to go through a storm with. That hill isn't something I want to attempt to drive up just to see if I can; if I can't then sliding down the hill backwards is one of many options. At the end of this street sits Casco Bay, so going down the hill backwards without the ability to stop on the ice could have somewhat of a bad ending. This was never even a thought when Jim would be driving; he and I could muscle the car out of the snowbank or park it in the neighbors yard and just deal with it later. JUST deal with it ... it did use to be that easy and simple, a "just". But nothing I have to deal with these days is "just" anymore. So many things feel so much bigger.
Months ago, as the nights were cooling down, I got up in the middle of the night to add a blanket to the bed. Being half asleep I took the folded blanket and just laid it under the comforter on my side, doubled up it was a good weight. I continue to make the bed this way ... one blanket folded into a single bed size to fit over my side covering only me. My bed is too big. My blankets are too big. My life has too many echoing areas in it where there use to be laughter and conversation and daily adventures.
Damn, this just sucks sometimes.
Loving you all back,