Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Independence Day

I was asked recently if I still get blindsided. Yes, I do. I get hit with the fact that Jim Daniels is gone from my life, that he's not just traveling right now, he's gone ... for the rest of my life. This reality is a pretty hard slap.

There are also times when I remember how incredibly difficult the last 16 months were. Brain cancer sucked so much of my mans life out him. I console myself with the understanding that Jim needed to be released from that broken shell he got trapped in. Sometimes it helps, most of the time it doesn't.

I remember how trapped I was too; 24/7 care doesn't leave much space for doing much of anything. In one of my older posting I wrote about how frustrating it was to not be able to go to the grocery store without arranging it with someone else. And lately, when I jump into the car to head into town to meet a friend or to go to said grocery store I find myself stopping for just a minute in order to have some appreciation for this new independence I have.

I saw a bumper sticker that said "Freedom is not Free". I found myself thinking how big a price I had to pay for my new freedom. A huge price. Would I rather have Jim still here and be trapped again? No. Because that would mean Jim would be in all his pain and be horribly trapped too. So I just try to take that minute to appreciate my new independence.

But I still miss him like hell.

Have a safe 4th of July everyone,

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