The cycle of life continues and I'm in awe of how it all just keeps chugging on.
I went out to the wood shed this morning to open the doors so my semi-green wood would get good, drying air to continue to season for the coming winter. As I pulled open the double doors that Jim had constructed several years ago there was a new hatching of baby spiders. Hundreds of these tiny, little beings floating on what appeared to be magical nothings but were, indeed, teensy, invisible web strings. They were all the size of this period. Of course, for the rest of the morning every little itch had me leaping and smacking myself believing I was covered in baby spiders. But have you ever noticed how every organism will retract from a danger to their life? Just before you step on that ant it goes completely spastic in it's attempt to escape the blow coming that will end it's life.
Jim had a real fear of death. I, for whatever reasons, do not. I, for whatever reasons, bartered with the Gods that I would go first, right? Since I couldn't possibly live without Jim and he would probably do just fine without me the deal was, I go first. OK, this deal wasn't honored! And now, as I've already written in my first post, must go it alone and face all these fears and this Grief Beast. Damn!
What is it we fear? Why isn't this little being who is popping Jenny's belly beyond what seems possible not retracting and trying to hang on inside? Why not fear this birth process? Where was this little being before all those cells divided and so wildly created all those human parts? Is there fear of bursting out of that protective womb? Did those little baby spiders retract and squirm and shy away from the light just before their egg sac exploded them into this world? This is a tough place, why aren't we more afraid of coming here versus leaving here?
This life on earth is not easy. And one of the hardest aspects of living here is this loss of a cherished soul mate or any loved one. Hell, even losing an animal companion is devastating (I've already told Ella, our little 9 year old dog, to not even think about going away for another 4 or 5 years!), never mind all the other trials and hurdles we must summit while trying to squeak out a little life. And I'm middle class .. I have it easy! My incredible husband, who was a world traveling photographer, took me to many different lands and I got to witness just how hard life is for others. It opened my eyes to just how wonderful the life Jim and I built is, even with all it's imperfections.
Ah, I ramble this beautiful evening. I guess I do ask that proverbial question of life tonight. I guess I'm in awe that life continues to bust out all around me. It hasn't just stopped because it feels like my life has. I guess I really do have to continue with mine, without Jim, and find my way.