Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Old Patterns

Oh this new love is so interesting to me.  After being with Jim for so long it can feel crazy to be starting this ride anew.  But it's exciting and I'm realizing that I have a chance at a clean slate here; I am witnessing old patterns in myself and realize that I have the chance to change some of them.

Jim and I were best friends, we had a great relationship and a love that many only hope for.  But we weren't perfect; we had our struggles and our little itchy things that got under the skin and irritated each other.  Of course, any relationship is going to have this but I have begun to notice how some of these itchy things of mine might not have had anything to do with Jim.

One night, months after Jim was gone, I was moving through the bathroom, in the dark, at a good clip.  The bathroom has two doors that are in line with each other so that going from my bedroom to the TV room is a straight shot through the bathroom.  So as I bee lined it in the dark to the TV room I walked smack into the upper linen cabinet door, eye first.  OW!  I grabbed my eye and stumbled backwards, landing on the edge of the tub.  Wow.  As I sat there cupping my eye my first thought was "who the hell left that cabinet door open?!" .... and then I got laughing to myself as I recognized an old pattern.  Only I lived here.  Only I would have left that damn door open to booby trap myself.  But in years past I'm pretty sure I would have blamed that act on Jim.  In fact, at that moment sitting on the side of the tub in pain I desperately wanted to blame someone!   And I had an "a-ha" moment.  I probably did this blame-thing more often then I ever care to remember.  What an ass.

Oh, how I want to apologize to Jim for these kinds of things; my stupid behaviors that created unloving moments.  But Jim and I always believed that these bodies house our soul and in this imperfect world, as imperfect beings, our spirit is here to evolve; to learn and to grow spiritually.

So, here I am in this new relationship and I have caught myself on a couple occasions wanting to blame this man for some things ... but I don't go there.  I do not want to repeat this old pattern.  I want to allow the next wave to come in and wipe this etching from my shoreline.  To clean the slate and start afresh and not continue into this old 'needing to blame someone' pattern.

I like to think that Jim has already forgiven me and is somewhere smiling at all this.

Loving you all back,
Mary

10 comments:

  1. this is really helpful to read, thanks for writing Mary.
    Jackie R.

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    1. Jackie - Thank YOU for being here and reading!

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  2. Not an ass... human. I know Jim is smiling. And I bet he laughed his ass off when you hit that cabinet door. XOXO, Jenny

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  3. And now you're forcing me to think about how I can stop being so hard on myself. Blaming oneself for everything can also be a real self-esteem kicker, and a makes a filthy shoreline! No one wants to come and play at YOUR beach! Thanks for your inspiration, Mary. Suzanne D

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    1. Suzanne - AH! It's not easy making that change, but awareness is everything! Now that I have this awareness I can actually SEE myself thinking about blaming Dave ... and then stopping and saying "Nope, just don't do this Mary!". And it works! Try it kiddo, because life is too short to be so hard on ourselves!

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  4. Good Morning, Sunshine!

    Your shoreline is magnificent... and what's SO SWEET about it is that it lovingly and humorously,
    gently and gracefully, informs others' about our shorelines. How many times I cast blame in this way ~ aren't we humans "beauts"?!! As long as our souls are open to embracing what is sweet and lovable in our selves and lovingly working on improvement, it is all good, it seems to me.

    Thanks always, Mary, for your wisdom and wealth.

    Love, Becky

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    1. Becky - you are so wonderful to me! Thank you!!!

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  5. You are good for David
    Thank you for your kind heart

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    1. I do hope to be good for Dave.
      Thank you for saying so!

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