Friday, February 17, 2012

Big Hearts

February is all about red hearts, chocolates, flowers and romantic dinners ... for those who are in love.  And even though I am, in love, I did not expect or need to have the 14th be any kind of hoopla. How my perspective has changed!

Love - I certainly learned the depth and capacity of the love that I am capable of over the past 4 years.  If you had asked me if I loved Jim enough to do all that had to be done while he was sick I'm not sure I would have known what to say.  I'm not sure it's possible to know what you are capable of doing, or just how much love you can feel, until you are thrown ..... head first .... into the experience I was thrown into with Jim.  (As I read this I realize the two births I attended certainly was a 'head-first' wallop of intense, overwhelming love .... life and death.  Of course)

Even though the love increased ten times over - as our community surrounded us as well as the understanding that we had such little time together - the whole expressing of it took quite a different spin!

As I think back and remember the past Valentine Days the memories are pretty sweet. The one in '08, Jim was just finishing radiation, and a good friend found a little bracelet for Jim to present to me with a card that he scrawled a childlike writing on.  The bracelet was made with leather and since I never took it off it has since rotted.  But the little silver pendent that was on it with the word "devotion" inscribed into it still remains.  And the following year, when Jim was failing, a sweet friend from out of town sent dollars to my dear friend Jane with the instructions to "take Mary out to dinner!" ... and she did.  And on that Valentines Day I had a wonderful evening out with 3 other woman while their men sat at home with Jim.

This Valentine Day came and went with no big fanfare, no chocolate or presents.  And it was perfect.  The reality that I am capable of loving again; capable of being loved again is an amazing gift for me.  For this new presence is, truly and honestly, the best Valentines present I could have ever imagined.

Big Hearts.  I have been so blessed with a whole new perspective on just what that really means.

Loving you all back,

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