I'm told that this is what grief is and how it behaves, you think you're doing OK and then you get hit by an anniversary of whatever. Slowly I'm rebuilding my canoe so that I can ride these waves again.
I had a dream about Jim last night, it was actually one of the first ones I've had that was this clear of him. He was in a Bank with me helping me navigate some financial stuff. It was a party-type atmosphere because Jim was there and had everyone laughing and enjoying even this mundane task of banking. At one point in my dream I looked over at Jim and stared at his profile and I thought - but somehow knew he could hear me - "I know you're not really here, but I love looking at you and I'm so glad you've shown up to be with me like this". It was a good dream. A wonderful visitation.
I got together with dear friends this past week .... B. and Jim had birthdays 2 days (and 10 years) apart, so we would always do something together during that first week in January. I went to dinner with B and her husband D, who was one of Jim's very best friends. At one point in the dinner D looked at me and said "I miss Jim more and more as time goes on. I do things with people and have fun but I find myself thinking 'if Jim were here this would be a blast' simply because Jim could make everything so much fun".
Yup. That was Jim.
As this last wave recedes and I find myself, once again, stranded on the beach with all my detritus I ask myself ... am I having fun yet? I still go off and do really fun things and have some of the greatest friends on the planet who pull me out, take me out, get me laughing ... but life has definitely lost some of it's glitter for me.
A few more moons, a few more tides and perhaps some new treasures will wash up on my beach. Just need to let this tide keep rolling in and out; rekindle my sparkle, rebuild this canoe and begin to find my way with it, on my own, again.
Loving you all back,
Mary
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