Monday, July 5, 2010


I went up to our friends camp on Lake St. George this past weekend. There's no better place to be then on a lake when the weather goes all hot and steamy like this. We've been blessed with being invited to this camp by these dear friends for many years now. I don't even call it the Puelle's camp anymore .... it's just "camp".

It was bittersweet ... my first time at camp without Jim. Everything I do is "the first time without" I guess. I found myself getting very teary a lot, needing to walk out to the dock or step into the bathroom, not wanting to share my tears with others for whatever reasons. I was seeing him out in front of me on the bike, flying up those god-awful hills with those solid, gorgeous cycling legs of his. Or in the water having water pistol fights with all the kids, or leaping off the raft striking insanely funny poses in mid flight. Or playing off David's one-liners until the two of them would be laughing so hard the tears would run down their cheeks and the rest of us would have jaw cramps from laughing with them.

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much.

The day after Jim died my sisters and David were sitting with me in my kitchen getting lunch. My sisters, Karmo and Sara were positioned where they could look out the sliding door to the yard. At one point they both leaped up and yelled "OMG, did you SEE THAT?" ... a Bald Eagle had flown through the yard. Not OVER the yard ... THROUGH it ... which meant it just cleared the Rhododendron bushes. Yes, THAT low!!! We all ran out to try and see this bird but it had already disappeared into the trees up back. How such a huge bird disappears that fast is such a mystery to me!

Yesterday, at camp, I had just walked out onto the deck to bring a drink to Betsy when a Bald Eagle soared THROUGH the yard, just beyond the deck and just barely clearing the small Alders growing lake side. We all caught a glimpse of this and gave the same gasp of "OMG, did you see that?!" Running to the end of the deck that huge bird had also just disappeared into the trees.

I can't help but feel that the Universe is sending these birds to 'see what's needed', maybe they are sent by Jim to check up on me.

He always knew how to get my attention.

Loving you all back,


  1. We saw an eagle today too Mary. Maybe Jim was giving everyone holiday fly-bys. And also today, as we drove through Machias, I thought of Jim. I accompanied him on a shoot there at the University quite a number of years ago. So much of this state has 'Jim' memories for me, it's hard to go anywhere where I don't have a 'Jim' memory, and that's a good thing! We were always laughing and having a good time.
    So glad to see you're still writing. alex

  2. Mary...for what it's worth, from my shamanic experiences, bald eagles (appearing in "real" life or in the "inner" world of a shamanic journey) have come to represent the ultimate guru/teacher/truth principle, the highest wisest all-seeing attainment. Like the rainbow just before his death, I can't help but see it as an auspicious sign of where/how he has gone beyond, yet still perhaps is mingling/visiting/connecting with you/us in mysterious ways. As my shamanic teacher (Michael Harner) would always say, "Pay attention to any power animals you meet on your journey" outer or inner. And one sign is unusual familiarity or closeness with a "wild" animal to get your attention. I guess he accomplished that!

  3. I don't doubt at all that the eagle is the spirit of your husband. My niece lost to cancer 8 years ago and every year on her birthday, her mother and her aunts go up to the mountains to release balloons in her memory. And every year, a butterfly follows us around. Coincidence? I don't think so.