Flying Solo, again

posted by Mary Lello, Wednesday, May 20, 2009, 5:48 AM

Greg left yesterday. Donna left Monday. Stacie left last Saturday. It was a wonderful break to have everyone here and to have Donna and Stacie here 24/7. It meant I could look up from my coffee cup when we heard Jim beginning to get up and Donna would say "I got him", and I could sit still for yet another minute or two. Or that I could say I was going for a bike ride and then just go, no asking 3 or 4 different people if they might be available, no asking how long they might be able to be here. I'd just go and not worry about when I would get home.

So I'm realizing that what took 3 people for 1 week to do I've been doing pretty much on my own for months now. And now that I realize just how daunting that is I'm finding it harder to get back to the flying solo again. The best part might be that Jim is getting more cognitive skills again and I was actually able to talk to him about my feelings and he heard it all and understood and even offered me some reassurance that we'd be OK. And we will be OK. And we do have all the wonderful care takers who are still coming every week to be here so that I can go to work and not worry about a thing. This is pretty amazing and we so appreciate this support! And we have all of you 'in the wings' sending so much light and love, also very amazing.

Jim is improving every day. Yesterday he reached up with that gimpy right hand and turned the bathroom light off. We both looked at each other and cheered. He's been trying to do that for weeks now. He's walking much better every day and sometimes, when he's really stable, I let him walk in the house without feeling the need to 'spot' him. Fatigue is another whole animal still so getting rest throughout the day is very important.

We both get impatient for a more normal life. One where we both have independence. As tired as I feel at times to have to be at Jim's side for so much of his daily routine he feels just as tired about having me there! And as much as I long for independence to be able to leave Jim by himself, I also feel like a parent might when that teenager gets their drivers license and fledges from the nest with wheels! There is a bit of fear in just thinking about this.

This is not being in the moment and I'm sure it will all unfold so that each new step, literally, is one that we both feel confident with.

I've been watching for crow babies leaving the nest in the White Pine tree. I wonder how they will clamber to the side of that "sink sized" nest that is at the very top of that huge tree and jump off in hopes of gliding down to some soft landing. But they have a family of 4 crows who are constantly swooping in with food, swooping in to chase off Grackles or squirrels or raccoons (I assume, at night). This same family loudly broadcasts when Ella and I are out in the morning and come baby crows leaving the nest time I'm sure we're going to see a whole new kind of activity of protecting the fledglings.

And this is how I see our community as well. As Jim fledges this safe nest I'm sure the flock of friends and neigbhors will be right there to just stand guard, to watch over and protect and swoop in whenever needed.

We will be OK.

Loving you all back!

Mary