Winter's Moon

posted by Mary Lello, Friday, February 5, 2010, 5:15 AM

I woke this morning around 3:00 a.m. with the moonlight directly on my face. Like some Mayan temple we seem to have aligned our bed with the moon beams to hit us square in the eyes at this date and time. I don't mind, moon shadows can follow me at any time. I did wait until 4:00 before getting out of bed though, 3:00 feels a tad early even for me!

Lots on my mind and heart these days. Jim continues to do better with his speech. Dena, our speech therapist (from Northeast Hearing and Speech) said that this past Wed. was even better then Monday. Jim is retrieving words better, repeating difficult sounds with the words better, and finishing a sentence with the correct word. This feels so hopeful .... but it doesn't stop the tears.

All last week Jim would walk into the kitchen after meditating and have tears streaming down his face. And he can't even tell me what he's feeling. So I fill in the blanks for him, "this sucks", "it's so hard". Fear, frustration, horribly sad at not being able to converse or move in the way that is his being. All stripped from him. Oh man, the words "hard" and "sucks" doesn't even touch it!

So I've taken up my Bulldog coaching attitude again. I put my arm around Jim and remind him that something is changing in his brain. We all are seeing it and it's positive change. I tell him that he WILL talk again, that he WILL be able to share all he is thinking and feeling again, we all WILL hear his jokes and quick wit again .... damn it! And I let these 'wills' be a force within myself that hardens my own resolve, like the deep, belly, explosive "HA!" of a karate chop before smashing the stack of bricks I feel this "WILL" strengthen my own.

Oh, but how I miss him at times.

The moon light is being replaced by the red banner streaking across the horizon. The crows will be announcing their presence soon, hungry and cold from a night out under the harsh winter's moon.

Loving you all back,

Mary