Thursday, October 14, 2010

Dance Like No One Is Watching

I was getting some of the pictures off the Lotsa Helping Hands sight as there are some really good ones on there and I don't want to lose them. I was surprised at my ability to look at the images of Jim since I haven't been able to do this for 6 months. The pictures of the last fundraiser when Jim danced all night ... literally ... even brought a smile to my face. I love it when people say "I can't dance", or "I'm the worst dancer on earth". That night while Jim was dancing and doing these amazing deep knee bends for the oddest reason, EVERYONE was able to dance like no one was looking - Jim gave us all permission to do this. To just move, to dance and laugh and throw all our egos out the window and dance with true abandon. Not a bad memory to have.

And now, in this house by myself, I can dance and sing into my hairbrush all I want ... because no one is watching. Well, truth be told, I could do this kind of thing even when Jim was watching since he loved me no matter how ridiculous I could be, but it's different now. What other things do I do, now that there is no one to share this space?

I have found that I don't close the bathroom door these days. It's not a good habit because I was at my office, where the restroom is right off the waiting room, and I went into the restroom and almost forgot to close the door. Luckily there was no one in the waiting room but I thought to myself, "ye-gads girl, you better focus!". I remember when my good friend, NTM, was sharing this office space with me and she told me once how she did the same thing after being divorced for so many years. I laughed with her but thought "really? How could you forget to do that?" .... well, look whose laughing now.

Mornings are very different these days. When I'm not striking out in the pitch black at 6:00 a.m. to meet up with 2 friends who live in my hood to go for a run I find it hugely decadent to get my first cup of coffee, grab the computer and crawl back into bed with Ella lying on my feet, the computer or my book in my lap, the light on and just write or read until the sun comes up, or my crows begin to talk to me, before I crawl out from under the comforter and get on with the day. This is a totally new behavior for me ... and I enjoy this one.

The other thing about these early mornings - I can turn as many lights on as I want in the wee hours and I'm not bothering anyone. This has taken a bit of time for me to get use to. Before Jim's sickness he would ask me to turn off the closet light, or the bathroom light or the ...... and I would. When he became so sick I would tip-toe around to ensure that he got the sleep he needed without my interruptions ... and thus, this is a new kind of freedom for me.

I can also play all my old retro music as loud as I want and whenever I want. Lately I've been listening to a "classic rock" station that plays all the 70's tunes that I grew up with. The thing I love most about this music is that a lot of the tunes have memories from a time before Jim, and these old tunes are tapped into these times. So the memories they conjure up are not always related to Jim ... but to an even more distant past. This feels very healing as this music makes me smile and has me singing along in grand style!

And these tunes get me dancing ... and I will dance with abandon because no one is watching. The best thing that the 60's and 70's era offered was a new style of dancing ... no need to actually have a partner.

And I don't .... have a partner anymore. But I do ... dance with abandon now and remember the twinkle in Jim's eye that always said "let's GO!" be it running the beach in a Nor'easter storm, heading down a steep and rocky trail on his mountain bike ... or dancing with abandon.

I do and will always love you Jim and your wild spirit.

Loving you all back,


  1. Oh, honey, just read this. So amazing how resilient a spirit can be, to claw back to happiness after such terrible sadness. Just amazing.

  2. Thank you so very much for sharing with us this journey. Love to you. Thank you for being in the world. R