" You really would like...."

posted by Mary Lello, Thursday, June 11, 2009, 8:37 PM

I'm realizing that there have been a couple times when Jim has turned to me in our 25+ years together and said "you really need to meet ___ as I think you would really like them". He did this after meeting Kate Mahoney. It took me too long to actually meet her and then she and I were joined at the hip. I fell deeply and hopelessly in love with that woman and shall always feel that for her. And Jim said this to me many years ago after working with Hannah Holmes. Tonight we met Hannah and her hubby John (who has become my on line drug information guy - he's a pharmacist - and an angel for me in many ways) at the local tavern for our weekly Tavern Night. I've known Hannah from a distance and I've known that Jim thinks the world of her but tonight I fell in love with her too. Seriously, there are not many people who can look at Jim and simply and eloquently reach over and wipe his chin because his dinner is dribbling down his chin and he just can't feel that on the right side. No big fanfare, no big deal, just done with love. And many folks say they understand but unless you've lived this I'm not convinced ... and Hannah convinced me tonight. The love she has for Jim and he for she is just there .... deeply and truly and it is just so wonderful to be in an aura like that.

I don't want to ring the bell of one when there are so many of you who light up JIm's life, who are here for him daily and do so much because of your love for him. But tonight I was just touched to my very soul. Tonight I feel that I made new friends and this is always very, very special. And Jim has always been able to do this so deeply, so immediately. He has felt this in a heart beat of a moment and just KNOWN that this person is now family, is now a heart string and pulse to his core. Me? I tend to be the "stoic New Englander" and have to feel folks out first, not jump too fast, not accept too quickly .... but with Jim's disease I think I am feeling through Jim's heart and senses and the heart strings vibrate all on their own. A harmonic either hums true or it doesn't. This is a pretty wonderful way to go through life ...'feels good, feels right ... HUMMMM'!!! Why did it take this disease for me to figure this out? Damn.

So, how is Jim doing? We get another MRI next week. I asked Weisburg if we could do this sooner versus later because I have concerns. Not huge but I'm not seeing the progress we were having in the beginning. I'm seeing a bit of regression actually - moving is a bit more difficult, word processing and retrieval comes harder, fatigue is big. Todd had said to me that slow improvement is good - it means healing. OK, this makes good sense and I'll take this but still I want to know what is going on in that skull of his. I want to know that the tumor is shrinking or staying the same and dormant at this time. I understand that this is a cancer that WANTS to come back, WILL come back if we can't be several steps ahead of it. Our vigilance must keep on keeping on here and so I keep researching stuff that's out there and keep asking questions and just keep my focus on moving forward ... ever forward .... moving towards what feels good.

Tavern Night felt really good tonight. A gathering of friends, a booth that kept filling up as people joined us. Hell, Jim and I have always begun a dinner party with 2 other people that soon blossomed into 6, 8, 10 guests.... friends.... love ones. And introductions to others where we say " you really must meet so-and-so as you would really like them ....."

May the circles be unbroken.

May this gift of life, connections, and those heart humming strings guide us far more then the ego and the mind.

Oh, by the way, you really would like ....

With an open heart,

Mary