Dana Farber

posted by Mary Lello, Friday, November 20, 2009, 4:30 AM

We are going back down to Dana Farber on Tues. 11/24. Our ever faithful driver, Todd, is willing to drive us down even though he will turn around and go back down on Wed. to join his family for Thanksgiving. He tells me that I always fall asleep either going down or coming back so clearly it's better someone else drives for me. Yes, he's got a good point! And I'm very grateful he is so generous.

The last time we saw gentle Dr.Wen Jim was in a wheelchair, unable to stand to even step on a scale and unable to answer the simplest of questions. Dr. Wen will see a completely different Jim this time. But last time we were there Wen had advised that we get on Avastin. I had said to this kind doctor that if/when we come back down he will have something new for us ... and unspoken was the "something magical and powerful and hopeful that will save this man from this cancer'. And Dr. Wen had said "yes".

I honestly didn't think we'd be going back down so soon.

Everyone is telling me how this is a good thing, to get back down there, get into a trial if there is one, get lined up for the newest and bestest stuff .... so why am I so scared? Why does going down there feel like defeat? Feels like this f-ing tumor is winning?

I am scared this week. That is my truth. I rarely admit this to Jim. I will only honor and acknowledge his fears and tell him that I have fears too. I rarely label them. I don't want to be negative or fatalistic ..... but this week I'm getting hit with all kinds of realities and it IS scary.

And it's all coming at this one year mark - the holidays.

Damn.

I shall post what we learn at Dana Farber so stay tuned.

Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving everyone ... and DO be thankful for your loved ones, for your health, for the abundance in your life.

I too, shall give thanks with Jim at my table this year,

Mary