January 3, 2019

 January 3 is here.  Jim would be 68 years old.  Amazing.

It's been a very long time since I've written here, on my blog.  What has brought me here today is the birthday anniversary and this note I found this past fall from my good friend Mick Cochran.

Back when Jim was in Hospice there were a lot of people who couldn't get in to see Jim; everyone aware that this was the end of his fight.  He was in a morphine coma for most of his time in Hospice, but I was (and still am) a firm believer that hearing is the very last thing to go.  So I put a notice up, on this blog, that if anyone was unable to get to Hospice to say goodbye to Jim they could send me a note and I would read it to him.

The notes, the cards, the poems started to come in.  And I read every single one to Jim.

I saved many of them, in a box that was stashed away in my closet at the house in Falmouth.  When packing up that house to make the move to the mountains I found the box.  I was feeling pretty emotional at that time so couldn't open this box knowing what was in it .... so I brought it to Farmington and stashed it away in the basement in our house here.  This past Fall we began the long needed cleaning out process of so many boxes stashed away.  I found this box, again.  I opened it this time and found this note from Mick.

I skimmed it quickly.  And then I clutched it and took it to the couch where I read it slowly.  And then I dissolved into tears.

Dave found me there.  He sat down and asked what was wrong?  I handed him this note and watched as he read it and his tears begin to flow too.  He came over and put his arms around me and just held me.  When I could talk again I said to him:

These tears are for gratitude.  Gratitude for this man who chose me for 34 years.  This man who so many loved, who is everything here that Mick has summed up in a few, wonderful phrases.  He was an amazing  person.  But what has me sobbing is the fact that somehow I have been blessed ... or graced ... or what I don't even know!  But I find myself with another amazing partner to finish out my days with here on earth.  I don't know .. I truly don't understand .. why I am so blessed!  But I am so very grateful for your love, Dave Lovejoy.

My good friend who was in acupuncture school with me and who I continue to see every September along with 7 other women who graduated in the same class told me, after meeting Dave, "Mary, you have got amazing 'Man-Qi'!"

Maybe this is what it is?  Maybe I just have good "Man-QI".  I sure as heck don't know why I am so blooming lucky to be so graced with two wonderful human beings who want to walk with me, love me, partner with me through this life.

But ... I take it.  I look to the top of my mountain and watch the clouds unfurl and tumble around it.  And I just say, 'thank you'.  Thank you for all of this.  I am so very grateful for the presence of all the amazing people in my life.

Here is Mick's note:

Loving you all back,
Mary