I took Ella down to her veterinarian, Laurels, this morning. Back when Laurels gave me the diagnosis of cancer she offered me a really good run down of how that tumor would behave over the course of the months with the prognosis of very little time. She had said, "Just call us. No need for an appointment Mary. We'll get you in." When I called at 8:00 am, the receptionist told me that she would check for Ella's files. Soon Laurels was on the phone, "Mary, when can you be here? I'll have the room ready for you."
I needed to drive from Farmington to Cumberland so we agreed on a 9:40 "appointment" time. The room was ready with a puffy little bed covered with a pink blanket in the middle of the treatment room. Ella walked right over to it and made herself comfortable. If you've never gone through this process with an animal before it can be remarkably peaceful. The term "putting to sleep" is truly what it has looked like to me for the past two dogs. Ella was no different. At one point she did open her eyes a little wider and looked right at me, I leaned in closer, caressing behind her ears and told her I was right there, she was a good dog, I loved her and it was all OK. She relaxed, closed her eyes and was gone.
We did not put Ella to sleep. We know she was not asleep. I have decided to say that I "released" Ella today. Released her from her body that was wracked with pain and cancer. Released her to that other world where we all like to believe it's all just a little bit sweeter over there.
Over the course of these last few weeks I knew I was getting closer to this decision I was going to have to make. I would get down on the floor with Ella and hold her and she would make her little happy noises. I would tell her, "when you're ready we'll call to Jim and he'll be there to meet you on the other side and he'll take you for a trail run!" Several times she would look me right in the eye with a more intense gaze and I would say to her ... I promise!
On the hour long drive down to the animal clinic I was calling to Jim, asking him to be sure and fulfill this promise I had made to this little being, "and could you give me some kind of sign that you've heard me? That you've followed through with this please?" But the car remained silent save for Ella's panting in the back seat.
After Ella was released I thought I might get a coffee for the ride home. It had been a rough night with her. As I drove down the road I started to pass an area called Twin Brooks, where Jim, Ella and I spent many hours running the trail system of this area. I found myself pulling into this parking lot and parking my car. I headed out to an area that is far less traveled. A friend had termed this section the "back nine" years ago. The new sign put up now called it "the wilderness trails" ... stretching the wilderness concept just a tad I think. But I knew it would give me what I needed; quiet and solitude.
I had only ever ran in these trails so I had never went slow enough to see much further than the trail in front of me. This day my eyes were drawn off the trail and down a slight incline to a beautiful little pine wooded glen with pools of water and the lush green of ferns and moss. I stood gazing at this beautiful, serene spot when a small Coopers hawk lifted off in front of me and flew deeper into the trees. I was compelled to follow. It was so quiet and peaceful in there. I sat on a vibrantly green, moss covered log and broke down into cleansing tears. When I looked up that hawk was directly over my head.
Jim had once told me of an amazing experience he had with a hawk while on one of his Buddhist retreats. He knew after this event that the Hawk was his power animal. Whenever I see hawks now I always say hello to Jim. So here was this little wood dwelling hawk, who had led me into this lush, private space and sitting there with me. I it was Jim confirming that he was with Ella and they were going for a run.That hawk sat there for the entire time I sat there. When I finally felt the tears were spent I stood up and looked at this hawk. I swear that eye blink was a wink. I threw a kiss of gratitude as the hawk lifted off and flew deeper into the woods and walked back to the car.
I am so blessed.
Loving you all back,
Mary
Thank you for reposting this and bringing Ella back to us. Hugs.
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