Since 2011 April has proved to be a very difficult month; that ol' cellular memory kicks in sometime during the showers and the May flowers. This month the beast started to show its' fin a full month prior to Jim's anniversary. Still catches me by surprise too; I can't really explain why I feel cranky and irritable, or get caught staring into space or have tears flowing down my cheeks for what seems like no reason.
What? Really? Oh, sorry, not sure what's wrong with me.
And then it begins to dawn ... oh, right, it's April. It's weeks before May 7th. It's April ... once again.
And this April the beast has practically crawled into the boat with me and tried to swamp my entire vessel. My brother-in-law has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. My entire family has been brought to our knees .... once again. Another very fast train with no luxury of preparing. There are treatment options but we all know that these will simply kill you slower and what's left of this sweet life will go down the toilet too. Not much of an option at all.
And the beast circles.
Some days it just nips at the achilles and I falter in my step for a moment, regaining my balance quickly so that most don't even notice. This past Sunday it grabbed me and dragged me deep. I was expecting it. I've learned to just ride it down, close my eyes, keep breathing, sink into that darkness before bobbing back up to the surface a little worse for wear.
And this whole cancer dance is too familiar. My sister tells me she is exhausted. They had family from his side visiting at their house. People gather to just be together and, perhaps, to say good-bye. She tells me, "It's wonderful, it's all good but... and it's ... exhausting."
And I'm back to walking outside and looking to my crows and the morning sunrise and asking why? Even though there is no answer, there is no comprehension of this, nothing that my little Being can grasp. I hope there is a bigger plan than I can ever understand. It is this belief that allows me to keep resurfacing ... once again.
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow." Maya Angelou
I guess I've learned this too. But sometimes that "better tomorrow" feels like forever.
And it's April ... once again.
Loving you all back,