April - once again

Once again I'm writing about the hardness of April.  Once again I'm sinking into a 'funk' that has no rhythm or rhyme, just a loneliness, a quietness, a drifting away and unengaged.  Once again it's April and my body is remembering all that I had to do two years ago;  the last two weeks of Jim's life before he left us all on May 7th.

Last night Dave put on an old Bonnie Raitt CD and I was flooded with memories.  The good news is I was seeing Jim as healthy and vibrant in these images that flashed behind my eyes.  I have been waiting for the most recent images of my sick Jim to fade and to start holding tighter to the gorgeous, athletic, funny-faces and Irish-mugged Jim.  Last night I had a brief showing of that healthy man again.

We danced, always.

Today I'm back into the crippled, crooked and sick Jim images ... but oh, how sweet he was.  How incredibly loving, patient and kind he remained even as the tumor took him so far away that he couldn't talk or move very well.  How he would look at me and smile a crooked smile and struggle to say the words "I love you", but those were the words he remained able to say right up until his morphine coma.  Those words and the ability to look into my eyes, my soul, and speak volumes to me without one word spoken.

This is my April, once again.

Loving you all back
Mary