December 2010

"It's coming on Christmas,
They're cutting down trees,
Putting up reindeer singing songs of Joy and Peace"....
Joni Mitchell

Christmas is not proving so easy this year. I had no expectations either way but I'm feeling the blues with it this year. A few folks have asked me if I will put up a tree this Christmas. Nope. I'm not even finding the energy to send out festive cards from my business to all my clients. It's a nice thing to do and folks always appreciate them ... but not this year. Sorry.

Nope, no tree. I still have not put away Christmas decorations from two years ago - they sit in a box in my bedroom. Two years ago ..... Christmas hasn't been a real joyous occasion for two years come to think about it. December 25, 2008, Jim was acting so strange - more then strange really - it was terrifying. Something was horribly wrong but he kept telling me he was feeling so much better. Ah, but he had two tumors growing in his brain and one of them was in his left hemisphere, so his right brain - the loving, 'all is right with the world side' - was more dominant. So, yes, he was feeling euphoric in many ways. But I was a train wreck that Christmas. And then the seizures and the ER room on the 27th; CAT scan showed something in that head of his. Brain surgery on the 29th to find out what kind of tumors they were .... and the rest is history.

Nope, no tree this year. Last year we went out to Colorado with the help of a "brother" who flew back east in order to help me fly Jim out west. Time with the Jalberts and then to Donna's for Christmas with the Grays and the Daniels. It was wonderful to be with these loved ones .... but Jim was not doing real well and it took tremendous effort to assist him with so much. I could go for my early morning run up the creek but I always had to stop and cry. I was so worried and so sad. Then I would just feel the need to get back to the house and see if we couldn't come up with something fun for Jim to do too. That was only a year ago? Really? And to think I believed, hoped, dreamed that he would be here for yet another Christmas with me. But the alien always wins when it comes to this kind of cancer.

Nope, no tree this year. I will be with my family. Santa will come and fill stockings in the wee hours of the 25th. We all still believe in magic and reindeers flying over the world and that there can be peace on earth. We will sing carols and take walks in the woods and drink too much coffee Christmas morning as we eat donuts.

But I'm feeling a little hollow inside and no bright paper packages tied up with string will really help me I'm afraid.

"... I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on ... "
J.M.

Loving you all back,
Mary