posted by Mary Lello, Sunday, March 7, 2010, 5:15 AM
The last 3 mornings I have gotten up at my usual time - dark - and noted that the Rhododendron leaves were not curled up pencil thin but unfolded and open. I think "hmm, temperatures are in the high 30's or low 40's then". Yesterday I saw the first tiny green shoots of my crocuses and a little peek-a-boo of a Daffodil pushing it's way through the soil towards the light. It is just the first week in March. Can it be that Spring is here, so early? Or must we leave the snow shovels by the door, staying prepared for one last snow storm that everyone is convinced will still come. In like a lamb this month, out like a lion then?
And with this new life budding Jim has increased energy. Yesterday "PT Dave" (as we call him) came over to the house. He has done this for several Saturdays in a row, coming here out of uniform and working with Jim. Yesterday Jim was on the stationary bike for 20 minutes and then outside walking for an hour. The man is getting stronger! I was telling these two that the Not Dead Yet Ride has been moved several miles inland this year, probably to accommodate the surge in attendees and traffic. But inland means more hills - big hills! As we talked more about whether JIm could do this ride or not in September Jim made it evident that he did not want to be on a tandem this year but wants to ride his own bike. I turned that one over to Dave, who gently but honestly told Jim that he would never say never but Jim has a long way to go yet before he'll be riding solo again.
This set off a bit of an emotional turmoil. As Jim improves he becomes more aware of all that he has lost and the emotions surge. We try very hard to look at all that we have gained. We try to look at where we are now and not where we want to be. We try desperately to make lemonade out of this pile of crap but every day it takes tremendous energy to not want more from life.
And personally I want to hear Jim talk to me again before I want him solo on his bike. I'd be delighted if I had to ask him not to interrupt me when I have the floor, to hear his incredible quick wit and hear all his thoughts. And I'd be happy to have him out there trail running with me before he's on his bike. Not sure I get to set my priorities but that's my order.
I'm amazed at how patient Jim is most of the time. And how loving he continues to be. His love is just naked and raw these days. He hugs freely, kisses men easily, takes my hand and kisses it several times - I feel like a Queen! He was always a man who wore his heart on his sleeve and let people see his vulnerabilities but now he just emanates love. It's quite wonderful to be in his circle.
Spring. And all it's cliches of rebirth, renewed hope, opening to all the new possibilities. And we are living all this. Everyday, we push our heads through the turf with renewed hope. We unfold our tight fists and open to the warmth of possibilities. We turn to the strengthening sun and pray that this cancer not win this time.
Not this time. Not this day.
Loving you all back,